Chapter Six : Much Ado about Nothing
1. Prelude: Confucius Preaches on Learning...
Confucius said: "At fifteen my heart was set on learning; at thirty I stood firm; at forty I had no more doubts; at fifty I knew the mandate of heaven; at sixty my ear was obedient; at seventy I could follow my heart's desire without transgressing the norm."

Confucius said: "Isn't it a pleasure to study and practice what you have learned?
Confucius said: "What the great learning teaches, is to illustrate illustrious virtue; to renovate the people; and to rest in the highest excellence."

The Master said, "To be fond of learning is to be near to knowledge. To practice with vigor is to be near to magnanimity. To possess the feeling of shame is to be near to energy."

2.  Curiosity Kills the Cat
One day all of sudden Chen Jun decided that he needed a GED, a high school equivalency diploma.

Everyone else at the Dragon Shadows had at least completed high school education, and some even had M.D.s or Ph.D.s! Even Eddie, despite the fact that he had recently failed the MCAS (Messy Comprehensive Assessment System) test, was getting a high school diploma anyway, since Principal Kington did not want to be beat up again!

Chen Jun felt it was urgent and necessary to refine himself into a more useful individual. After all, he was already 21. At age of 21, all he could read was the character "Martial," "abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz" and "ottffssent," which represented in order, "one two three four five six seven eight nine ten!" Obviously he did need some additional education, or A LOT.

"Chen Jun wants to get a GED!" The news spread in the village more quickly than those venomous and false tabloid rumors and gossips on some film stars over an internet newgroup!

Within an hour after Chen Jun made the decision, he was questioned by the following 19 individuals: Sky, Snowman, Fung Man-hin, Lin Dan, Eddie, Terry, Donny, Alan, Tang Shan, Wong Kei Ying, Nan Lan, Hung Hei Kwan, Chiang Ho Wa, Cat,  Lone Seven, Shiang Chin Fei, Tsao Siu Yen, , Leung Pok To, and Yip Cheung. Each of them asked Chen Jun an average of 2.67 times, "Are you getting a GED?"

Among these 19 individuals, Eddie and Terry asked Chen Jun the same question the most times: Eddie 5, Terry 4. Sky¡¯s inquiry should be counted as half a question since he only said: "Really?" And Snowman gave Chen Jun an inquisitive look as well as a hand gesture which indicated , "Eh¡­?"

The only one who refrained from asking Chen Jun was Jin Ke, which was very unusual...

Alright, first of all Jin Ke was the one who spread the news in the first place, second of all to him Chen Jun getting a GED was already a fact, not a question. As an immortal, his thinking was always way ahead of everyone else!

Eddie had always envied Chen Jun¡¯s Kung Fu skills. On top of asking Chen Jun the same question 5 times, he asked one more question: "Brother Chen Jun, your Kung Fu skills is amazing, what¡¯s the need of getting a GED? If I could be as good as you in Kung Fu, I would not go to school at all!" In his mind,  Eddie was picturing himself triple-kicking Jin Ke all the way to the South Pole, Antarctica! Because of Jin Ke, Eddie had to repeat his second year at Newton High!  What a humiliation! 

However, 12 minutes after Eddie questioned the necessity for Chen Jun to study he realized the necessity for Chen Jun to study.

As Eddie was day dreaming, he could not stop giggling for 12 minutes at the thought he himself kicking Jin Ke all the way to the South Pole.

Chen Jun was concerned that there was something wrong with Eddie,"Hey, Eddie, are you OK? Stop chuckling¡­ Hey, what¡¯s wrong?"

Had it been Shiang Chin Fei, Tang Shan, or the police officers, they could have stopped Eddie from chuckling by using hypnosis method, or applying some electric shocks! Sky, Tsao Siu Yen, Nan Lan, or Wong Kei Ying might have tried to poke a needle into some pressure points that could induce Eddie to cry in pain instead ¡­  Snowman might have posed in a frightening stance to scare Eddie back¡­ Leung Pok To could have bit Eddie in the arm¡­Or perhaps the mere mentioning of the name of Jin Ke could have shocked Eddie out of the day-dreaming state¡­

But Chen Jun, being so simple-minded, thought that Eddie was occupied by some demons. He recalled that Fung Man-Hin once said in order to drive out demons from someone one had to apply force!

Even Eddie was the only one standing in front of Chen Jun, Chen Jun still executed his trade-mark triple kick successfully! But he did use some variations: after each kick he rotated 180 degrees in the air, and then applied the next one. So 3 kicks later, Chen Jun landed on the same spot he started the kick, and Eddie¡­ Oh poor Eddie¡­ He stopped giggling alright! But he could not stop whimpering for the next 2 hours!

Curiosity kills the cat.  Eddie was that unfortunate cat at that exact moment.

3. Yummy Spring Rolls
Chen Jun was granted the special admission to Newton High by Principal Kington himself. Apparently, the principal¡¯s favorite idol, Bruce Lee, happened to play someone named Chen Jun some light years ago.

The summer before Chen Jun was scheduled to start at Newton High, Principal Kington sent Professor Scarlet Starr, an accomplished writer whose most successful book was, "How to become a 'genius' in 10 days!", to prepare Chen Jun for his studies.  After all, it would have been too difficult for Chen Jun to fit in any class immediately, and it would have not made the principal look too good if Chen Jun would fail in his classes.

Before Professor Starr started the prep course, she decided to test how much Chen Jun knew, so that she could design his course of study accordingly.

Her first question was: "What instruments did Tan dun use for his haunting score in crouching tiger hidden dragon?"

Chen Jun scratched his head. "Tan Dun¡¯s hunting score? Did he kill some tigers and dragons?  Wow. He is good. I should spar with him sometime¡­ The instruments? I think¡­ I think he might have used cross bows, or maybe spears and staffs to beat those tigers and dragons down."

Professor Starr started sweating. That was something.

"Tell me one significant contribution Greece made to human civilization."

Chen Jun answered loud and clear, "Detergent!"

"No!!!!!!"

"John Travolta?" said Chen Jun with some uncertainty.

Professor Starr realized Chen Jun was referring to "Grease!"

"He must go to movies. Maybe a question about a movie, then." Professor Starr thought to herself.

"Have you seen the classic WWII movie Das Boot? What is the movie about?"

"A pair of old shoes?"

Nope. Maybe something for children¡­  "What is the main character of Jack London¡¯s White Fang?"

"I am using what, not who... he should be able to get the hint... " the professor reasoned.

"White fang? Oh I know¡­ Must be Snowman. It is a story about his teeth, isn¡¯t it?" Chen Jun answered with a chuckle.

Professor starr was seeing stars of various colors: red, blue, orange... in font of her... But she was not the type of person that easily gave up.

"Something describing the weather," she thought, "should not be difficult."

"List one good thing about Spring." She said.

Chen Jun smiled, his eyes glistening with delight.

"Spring rolls, especially those made with Yumi¡¯s recipe:

SPRING ROLLS  (makes 12)

12 spring roll wrappers (rice paper)
6 oz. firm tofu (not silken)
2 T. or more soy sauce, tamari, or Bragg's liquid aminos
6 oz. thin rice noodles (vermicelli)
48 fresh mint leaves
1/4 head leaf lettuce
3 shredded carrots (optional)
spring roll sauce

Ummh¡­ Yummy..."
...
Professor Starr made 3 trips in 3 days to Tang Shan's office for some emergency psychiatric counseling after the prep test. 

4. Much Ado about Nothing
The syllabus for Chen Jun¡¯s intensive summer course (June 10-August 15):

Lundi & Mardi (9am ¨C 7pm) Speak Posh
Mercredi & Jeudi  (9am ¨C12am next day): Get To Know Your Feminine Side
Vendredi (9am-12pm): Science Friday

Unite 1: Speak Posh

Professor Starr said to Chen Jun: "You should always talk in a refined manner. You should always speak posh."

Lecon 1:  Always Speak with a Bean Town Posh Accent.  

Professor Starr said, "In Bean Town Posh Accent, most Rs are not pronounced. Therefore, a ¡®car¡¯ should be pronounced as a ¡®cahhh¡¯."

That night, Tang Shan ran into Chen Jun. He asked Chen Jun what he did for the previous weekend.

Chen Jun answered: " I went out with Jin Ke on Satuhday. I pahked my cahh at hah-pahst foah outside a bah. We had some quality beah. Then we watched the Sox Yanks game. Shua, Sox lost again. Yanks always win, it ain¡¯t fayha."

"What did you just say?" Tang Shan¡¯s already big eyes widened into two round balls. 

Chen Jun began to admire Professor Starr whole-heartedly. Tang Shan was one of the most knowledgeable men in the world, even he could not understand this posh accent!

(Translator¡¯s note: Chen Jun said, "I went out with Jin Ke on Saturday. I parked my car at half-past four outside a bar. We had some quality beer. Then we watched the (Red) Sox Yankee baseball game. Sure, Sox lost again. Yankees always win, it ain¡¯t fair!")

Lecon 2: Always Speak with Some Foreign Tongue

Professor Starr said, "Always mix in some exotic foreign tongues in your speech, or use slangs, or invent some new words, just to show that you are hip and cool."

Chen Jun saw Sky practicing Tai Chi by the Dragon River the next morning. He waved to Sky.

Sky acknowledged Chen Jun¡¯s presence with only a nod of his head. Sky was a man of few words. He was not going to say "How are you doing?" "What¡¯s up?" "How are you?" "What is happening?" "Howdy?" "Good morning" ¡­

"Howhaya?" said Chen Jun. "You look UBER today!"

Sky gave Chen Jun a blank stare, and continued on with his slow moving Tai Chi. He had no idea what Chen Jun just said.

(Translator¡¯s note: Chen Jun said, "How are you? You look super today!")

Fung Man Hin happened to jog by with a beautiful girl at this moment.

"Hi, Chen Jun. How are you? Have you met 77?" Man Hin asked. "77, this is Chen Jun."

"Nice to meet you, Chen Jun."  77 smiled beautifully, and extended her hand gracefully to Chen Jun.

"Enchante." Chen Jun "kissed" the girl¡¯s hand delightfully. "Mademoiselle 77."

77 blushed. A threatened Man Hin immediately ushered her away. "Chen Jun, are you trying to steal my girl? When I get a chance I will show you how I chop woods¡­ "  
Fortunately for Chen Jun, Man Hin forgot about what he was thinking only seconds after he walked away. The poor guy was suffering from short-term memory loss.

Lecon 3:  Always refer to "the Big Apple" as "that Rotten Fruit."

Professor Starr said, "Always refer to that town everyone calls ¡®the Big Apple¡¯ 4 hours of space shuttle ride away from Bean Town as ¡®the Rotten Fruit¡¯."

Chen Jun took a trip to the Big Apple for a day.  After the trip, someone asked him what kind of food he had in the city.

Chen Jun replied, "When I was in the Rotten Fruit, I had some Rotten Fruit Juice and Rotten Fruit Sauce Bread for breakfast. At dinner I had a piece of Rotten Fruit Pie for dessert.  "
¡­
Lecon 4: Always Use Famous Quotes
Professor Starr said, "Always use proverbs, idioms or famous quotes in your speech, even if you don¡¯t know what they really mean."

The owner of the local Dragon Inn Gym, Ms. Erin Lovinsky, complained that all 403 out of the gym¡¯s 403 female members had stopped coming  between 8pm to 11pm, the only time any female members went to the gym by the way, since June 10th.  

Coincidentally, Chen Jun had stopped coming to the gym for his regular 3 hours a night, mostly shirt-less work out.

When asked why he had stopped coming to the gym, Chen Jun said, "I only want to exercise that one 'muscle' that matters."

(Translator¡¯s note: Hint: Matrix Reloaded. Translator's second note: It's a matter, not a muscle.)

Chen Jun went out less often with his friends. When asked for an explanation for his distancing himself from the rest, he replied,   "¡®Distance lends enchantment, familiarity breeds contempt.¡¯ I love you guys too much, I don¡¯t want to lose friends like you¡­"

His fellow Dragon Shadowers collectively passed out and collapsed into a pile upon hearing his words.

Chen Jun shook his head, and looked at his unconcious friends with pity, "A bad martial artist is usually unconscious when he ought to be conscious, and conscious when he ought to be unconscious¡­" 

(Translator¡¯s note: Hint: T.S. Eliot)
After only a month, under Professor Starr¡¯s aggressive and efficient tutoring, Chen Jun was declared proficient in speaking posh by the professor.


Unite 2: Get to Know Your Feminine Side
Professor Starr said, "A man is never complete unless he gets to know his feminine side."

Lecon 1: Sign No More

Professor Starr said, "You can always find strong, witty, charming heroines in Shakespeare, Beatrice, Viola, Rosalind,¡­ You should learn to admire and respect them."

Soon the Dragon Shadowers heard Chen Jun sing the following song, over and over again, for 1000 times:

"Sigh no more, ladies, sigh no more,
Men were deceivers ever;
One foot in sea and one on shore;
To one thing constant never.
Then sigh not so,
But let them go,
And be you blithe and bonny;
Converting all your sounds of woe
Into Hey nonny, nonny.

Sing no more ditties, sing no more,
Of dumps so dull and heavy;
The fraud of men was ever so
Since summer first was leavy.
Then sigh not so,
But let them go,
And be you blithe and bonny;
Converting all your sounds of woe
Into Hey nonny, nonny."

"Can you quit it?" Shiang Chin-Fei covered his ears with his hands. "Why do you have to sing that Much Ado About Nothing song 1000 times in a row?"
Chen Jun sighed. "Professor Starr said if I sing the song 1000 times I could understand why gentle women always consider us men as crude and unlikable." He sighed again. "But I still don¡¯t get it."

"Women are not always that agreeable either." Shiang Chin Fei frowned, "Sometimes they can be too witty for their own good. I suggest you read the Taming of the Shrew. Besides, some women are fiercer than tigers, I dare say¡­ That Lady Macbeth¡­ King Lear¡¯s two daughters¡­ very dangerous, very dangerous."

Chen Jun shuddered at the thought of some beautiful gals in tiger striped skirts¡­

"You LIE!" Yelled Professor Starr, who came to Chen Jun¡¯s rescue. "We women are intelligent, generous, considerate, soft-skinned heavenly creatures! You men are just some beasts who don¡¯t care about anyone else but yourselves!" She charged toward Shiang Chin Fei with an alarming speed.

Shiang Chin-Fei ran his fastest 100-meter dash ever in the next 9.79 seconds, with Professor Starr still posing in a Cat-fight stance behind, yelling. "Don¡¯t you dare to come back!"

Lecon 2: Read Works by Female Authors
Professor Starr said, "Females are the most intelligent creatures in the world¡­"

Chen Jun interrupted, "I know. You already told Shiang Chin Fei that."

Professor Starr gave Chen Jun a disapproving look, "Don¡¯t mention that guy¡¯s name again. That aggravates me!  All he studies are those philosophies written by men. There are many great women philosophers as well, such as Ayn Rand, Simone De Beauvoir... yet I don¡¯t see him study any of their works. What a snob!"

"Now Chen Jun," Professor Starr finally calmed down again, "You should start reading novels written exclusively by female authors: Jane Austen, Bronte sisters, George Eliot,¡­"
¡­
"Interesting." Chen Jun commented while holding a book.

"What is it?" Terry asked curiously. "What¡¯s so interesting?"

"I thought only we men like to have matches all the time, you know, wrestling matches, ping-pong matches, martial arts matches¡­ I did not know women like to have matches too¡­"

"Like what?"

"See, in every single novel by Jane Austin, all these women cannot stop thinking about matches¡­ Emma, Elinor, Elisabeth, Fanny¡­every single one of them...They talk about matches, match-makings, you know...all the time, you know with such enthusiasms and anxieties...I think women and men are indeed the same when we think about matches, Cool!"
¡­
Lecon 3: Do Housework
Professor Starr said, "A man who don't do housework should be banished forever from the civilized world." 

Chen Jun was seen reading the following magazines: Fashion, Gardening, Home Interior Decorating, Good House Keeping, Gourmet etc¡­

He was also seen learning Ikebana (Japanese flower arrangement), sewing and knitting from Yumi.

He bought 10 puppies, 21 kitties, 1 turtle, 3 Japanese fighting fish, 450 small trees for the garden, 1000 pot plants for the house, 23 paintings, 38 sets of fine china, oriental rugs, sofas¡­

He arranged and rearranged the furniture for a total of 7 times, painted and repainted the house for a total of 5 times¡­

Professor Starr said, "Always consult a woman for her opinion when it comes to house-keeping."

"What do you think?" Chen Jun asked Yumi. "Do you like it?"

Yumi looked at the house now completely stuffed with furniture in astonishment.  She was just about to say something when 21 cats and 10 dogs came out from nowhere chasing each other, hissing or barking¡­

"Chen Jun¡­ Honey, I think ¡­I think you should take them back to the stores¡­" Yumi gently said. "All of them. Cats, dogs, turtle, furniture¡­"
¡­
"This is so much better." Yumi said in the empty house, a smile on her face.
...
Unite 3:  Science Friday
Professor Starr said, "Always think with a scientific mind."

One hot summer day, Chen Jun and several young Dragon Shadowers, Donny, Terry, Eddie were playing two-on-two basketball. Chen Jun, holding the ball, suddenly stopped dead in his track.

"Hey, pass the ball, Chen Jun!" Donny yelled at Chen Jun. "I am gonna show these two juniors how to slam dunk properly!"

"Oh Yeah? I don't think so.  I could block you like Yao Ming blocking the big Shaq!" Terry retorted. 

But Chen Jun was oblivious of the two's bickering. He appeared to be in some deep thoughts¡­

"What is going on?" Donny was getting impatient with Chen Jun.

"I am thinking¡­" Chen Jun said, "I am just wondering you know, whether it would be easier for me to pass the ball to you so you could slam dunk, or it would be better if I sink a 3-pointer. If I pass you the ball, the probability of the ball being intercepted is very high, about 13 to 30 percent, but if I attempt a 3-point play, the chance of missing is also 30 percent, so I am not so sure whether I should do either¡­"

"24-second violation!"   Terry and Eddie cheered.

The final score of the game: Terry and Eddie: 156, Donny and Chen Jun: 34.

"Unbelievable!" Donny threw his towel angrily onto the ground. He was sweating heavily, since he was the only one on the team who actually tried to play ball!

Chen Jun's face suddenly lit up. "Do you know that your sweat is as old as the universe?"

"What?!"

"10-20 billion years ago, a tremendous explosion, the Big Bang, occurred and created the universe we know. 10-(-43) seconds after the Big Bang, matters and antimatters flew apart in all directions¡­!"

"One to three minutes later, hydrogen atom was formed through nucleosynthesis."

"The evolution of stars, such as our sun, began¡­ Through many rounds of nuclear fusions in those stars, oxygen atom was generated¡­"

"Hydrogen and oxygen atoms then combine together to form H2O, the water molecule, in vapor form, throughout the universe¡­ which eventually came to rest in atmospheres of many newly formed planets¡­"

"When there is water, there is LIFE. So began the evolution of life on various planets¡­"

"So you see, your sweat, which is fundamentally H2O, is as old as the universe!"

Thanks to his agility and fast reaction, Chen Jun barely escaped from Donny's straight up front kick to his head¡­

Final Lesson: One Must Unlearn What He Has Learned
The Dragon Shadow residents held an emergency council meeting the next day regarding Chen Jun's education status.

During the meeting, 21 residents gave speeches on why Professor Starr's course was just much ado about nothing and was not benefiting Chen Jun at all.  12 expressed concerns that Chen Jun was being led to his doom. One resident, Jin Ke, claimed that Professor Starr was guilty of terrorizing the entire Dragon Shadows through manipulating Chen Jun.

The council's final verdicts:
1. Chen Jun must unlearn everything he had learned from Professor Starr. 
2. Professor Starr would not be allowed ever again to step in the friendly confines of Dragon Shadows.

It took Chen Jun forever to learn from Professor Starr¡­ It took Chen Jun only 21 hours 40 minutes and 7 seconds to unlearn everything he had learned from Professor Starr. He forgot about the feminism, proverbs, the Big Bang, and the strange Bean Town posh accent¡­

Chen Jun had never felt better¡­ Flowers were more beautiful, sky was bluer, the sun was brighter and warmer, and it was more fun hanging out with his friends than staying inside in his house reading thousands of books Professor Starr had assigned him to read¡­

Chen Jun was again that simple, out-going, direct, hot-tempered but kind and generous young man, and the Dragon Shadows finally was able to resume its peaceful and merry way of life! 

By the way, Ms. Erin Lovinsky's gym once again was flooded with female members between 8-11pm every night. She was so happy that she gave Chen Jun a FREE 3-year membership!

(The End!)

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